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Silence and Podcasts
10 March 2019 11:38Sinus headache.
Can't think.
Long story short. I'm currently building a relationship with this man.
Asking questions and setting expectations. Being sure that he's worth sacrificing my precious silence and podcast time. I prefer to be alone but I'm not completely against relationships. It's just that what potential partners give me must be equal or greater to what I've given myself. I don't think that's asking too much. Especially since I am wildly devoted and slightly *gasp* submissive in romantic relationships. I have to be sure the person understands that they cannot be careless with someone like me.
So I think it's funny how during our conversation last night he felt it was appropriate to ask me who was pinging my phone.
He accused me of being dishonest with the very words "I don't think you're telling me the truth."
When I responded and told him how inappropriate and awful it was that he felt entitled to question me, then accuse me of lying to him when I have given him everything and laid my fucking soul at his feet, he simply replied, "I'm sorry I did that. It's just how I'm wired"
He didn't offer an apology and signal an effort to do better. He only justified it.
This is a red flag.
This is a red balloon arch.
This is a red wacky inflatable, arm-flailing tube man, like the ones outside of a car dealership.
I'm upset because I spent so much time making sure to avoid piece of shit behaviour like this. But here I am. He played it cool. Kept up the Mr. Rogers act long enough for me to develop strong feelings and now he's testing me to see what my reaction to some of his hidden tendencies.
This is what they do.
This is how they get you.
So now I have to do all this emotional forensics and ask myself if it's that deep. I have to talk to him about it again to see if he's aware of my feelings. All this on a fucking Sunday.
Can't think.
Long story short. I'm currently building a relationship with this man.
Asking questions and setting expectations. Being sure that he's worth sacrificing my precious silence and podcast time. I prefer to be alone but I'm not completely against relationships. It's just that what potential partners give me must be equal or greater to what I've given myself. I don't think that's asking too much. Especially since I am wildly devoted and slightly *gasp* submissive in romantic relationships. I have to be sure the person understands that they cannot be careless with someone like me.
So I think it's funny how during our conversation last night he felt it was appropriate to ask me who was pinging my phone.
He accused me of being dishonest with the very words "I don't think you're telling me the truth."
When I responded and told him how inappropriate and awful it was that he felt entitled to question me, then accuse me of lying to him when I have given him everything and laid my fucking soul at his feet, he simply replied, "I'm sorry I did that. It's just how I'm wired"
He didn't offer an apology and signal an effort to do better. He only justified it.
This is a red flag.
This is a red balloon arch.
This is a red wacky inflatable, arm-flailing tube man, like the ones outside of a car dealership.
I'm upset because I spent so much time making sure to avoid piece of shit behaviour like this. But here I am. He played it cool. Kept up the Mr. Rogers act long enough for me to develop strong feelings and now he's testing me to see what my reaction to some of his hidden tendencies.
This is what they do.
This is how they get you.
So now I have to do all this emotional forensics and ask myself if it's that deep. I have to talk to him about it again to see if he's aware of my feelings. All this on a fucking Sunday.
(no subject)
10 March 2019 11:16 Okay,
Let's play catch up. I left my job as a contract writer for the textiles firm when they announced they would be moving me to a completely different company without having a meeting or even asking me. This came on the heels of being completely drained by working 6 days a week and a bunch of instances of weird, complicated unprofessionalism.
I was approached by a small Montessori school with an offer to teach again. I accepted and am really excited to be teaching again. I find my natural enthusiasm for the work has waned a bit. Still I love what I do and am happy to be back.
Let's play catch up. I left my job as a contract writer for the textiles firm when they announced they would be moving me to a completely different company without having a meeting or even asking me. This came on the heels of being completely drained by working 6 days a week and a bunch of instances of weird, complicated unprofessionalism.
I was approached by a small Montessori school with an offer to teach again. I accepted and am really excited to be teaching again. I find my natural enthusiasm for the work has waned a bit. Still I love what I do and am happy to be back.
(no subject)
13 February 2019 06:56 I've been making posts here but they're set to private for now.
I'm experiencing a lot of changes and a person is taking up space in my life in a positive way.
It's just really hard for me to be honest out loud.
I'm experiencing a lot of changes and a person is taking up space in my life in a positive way.
It's just really hard for me to be honest out loud.
My life is in shambles so naturally, I return to dreamwidth for confessional.
(no subject)
27 May 2015 00:20I saw sitting around wondering why I'm feeling restless and irritable
Then I remembered I fired someone today.
The first time I've ever had to do that.
It's awful.
Even though it totally had to happen and believe me they had to go for doing something unacceptable, it was still awful.
I've just made it these last few years without having to do any of that stuff.
I also still don't know what I want to do with work.
I'm wrapping up the year but prepwork starts immediately so i need to decide if i'm teaching or not.
I'm so unsure.
Everything is weird.
The most odd thing is that I am mentally stable.
I think I don't know how to deal with it. I'm having a hard time accepting that the other shoe isn't going to drop because both feet are firmly planted on the ground.
I'm here, everything is real.
There is no shitpissingly heinous internal battle.
I'm just a person trying to figure out some stuff.
So why is it ridiculously hard?
I didn't eat all day at work.
I was so freaked out.
When people get laid off from these kinds of jobs, they call the local agencies on you out of spite.
False accusations and general disruptive fuckshit are almost a given, so I was on red alert all day.
I don't really want to talk about anything but I do need to remind myself that my goal is to acknowledge that I am in distress and let it pass.
It will pass.
Some days suck.
Today sucked.
Tomorrow will be better.
Then I remembered I fired someone today.
The first time I've ever had to do that.
It's awful.
Even though it totally had to happen and believe me they had to go for doing something unacceptable, it was still awful.
I've just made it these last few years without having to do any of that stuff.
I also still don't know what I want to do with work.
I'm wrapping up the year but prepwork starts immediately so i need to decide if i'm teaching or not.
I'm so unsure.
Everything is weird.
The most odd thing is that I am mentally stable.
I think I don't know how to deal with it. I'm having a hard time accepting that the other shoe isn't going to drop because both feet are firmly planted on the ground.
I'm here, everything is real.
There is no shitpissingly heinous internal battle.
I'm just a person trying to figure out some stuff.
So why is it ridiculously hard?
I didn't eat all day at work.
I was so freaked out.
When people get laid off from these kinds of jobs, they call the local agencies on you out of spite.
False accusations and general disruptive fuckshit are almost a given, so I was on red alert all day.
I don't really want to talk about anything but I do need to remind myself that my goal is to acknowledge that I am in distress and let it pass.
It will pass.
Some days suck.
Today sucked.
Tomorrow will be better.
(no subject)
19 April 2015 17:46 I can't seem to get it together today
It's just gonna have to do.
It's okay to not be okay and I cannot waste time rushing the process.
Knowing and understanding this is a win. take it.
I can order in for dinner and either finish my rewatch of Doctor Who or finish reading this longfic, then turn in for the night.
The day wasn't lost. I got my laundry done, cleaned, prepared for work tomorrow.
All that's left to do is eat something. After that, I'm good to melt into my couch.
It's just gonna have to do.
It's okay to not be okay and I cannot waste time rushing the process.
Knowing and understanding this is a win. take it.
I can order in for dinner and either finish my rewatch of Doctor Who or finish reading this longfic, then turn in for the night.
The day wasn't lost. I got my laundry done, cleaned, prepared for work tomorrow.
All that's left to do is eat something. After that, I'm good to melt into my couch.
(no subject)
10 April 2015 18:39I miss my old home.
I leased an oceanside condo for 4 years and it was my first adult-who-is-living-alone house. It was gorgeous tiny(which I loved) and affordable considering the location. I loved it so much. I was a short bike ride away from work and all my favorite places. The gallery and the spots that some friends go to. It was private and filled with octogenarians who went to bed before the sun.
I moved this summer when all the crap with my job happened. I was told(reminded) that I didn't have to move but I'm an odd cookie. When I feel pressure, I have to make a grab for control. Since I didn't have it with my job, I changed my home. I wanted to find somewhere less expensive that was still at the beach(while not oceanside) and close to work. So within a week I found a new place on the opposite end of the beach.
It's been a little under a year and I'm finally comfortable but man, it fucking took forever. I missed my place so badly. It was far more modern than what is now my shabby chic(in the true sense) beach bungalow.
My place is an additional wing built onto an original bungalow home. Not quite a real duplex but-- a Floridian duplex. Myself and the other guy, Scott each have a wing of this old house and there was a shared kitchen. It was shared until I've opted to turn my deck into a Florida room by screening it in and adding blinds. I then created a water source and put my kitchenette there. The guy who owns the place didn't mind. He's a stickler so I had my dad walk me through my mini-build and had the owner double check my work. My deck/Florida Room mod is recent and I think that's what finally made the place feel like my own. That and now winter is finally done and I can finally see what the beach is like on this end. Like all the old turn-of-the-century beach houses in the area, mine is about 4 blocks back from the ocean and one block away from all the restaurants, bars and stuff on this end. Still close enough to walk and cycle everywhere. It's not a bad part of town, but I have to say, I miss my old people. The house next door is an unofficial, student house(there's an attic. I like to imagine there's a Martin Crieff in there). They're usually all in there studying but you can definitely tell when they're on break.
I actually do not remember the point of this post. :/
I had a moment earlier in the week where I really missed my condo. Like.. I ached. It was odd. I usually only ache for New Orleans. I guess it comes with feeling older. I did everything in that condo. I did major work on myself, recovery-wise-- hella intense therapy. Loads of crying and fixing shit. I finished college. I fell in love. I made amazing friends. It just feels like a really big part of my adult life happened there and now I finally can say that I understand that feeling of building a home. Yes, it is possible to build one, filled the the brim with memories even though technically, you were the only one who lived there and you rarely let anyone into the house.
I don't even know who I am now. I'm 26 and I'm over [what as of now] was the hardest part of my life. I've not had a true moment's peace like this since I was 16.
Recovery is everyday but I'm really sitting here like "What the fuck am I supposed to do with all this free time that is not spend fighting for my life" "What do //ordinary// people, who don't have to fight with every fucking breath, even do? Get frozen yogurt?"
I don't know.
I leased an oceanside condo for 4 years and it was my first adult-who-is-living-alone house. It was gorgeous tiny(which I loved) and affordable considering the location. I loved it so much. I was a short bike ride away from work and all my favorite places. The gallery and the spots that some friends go to. It was private and filled with octogenarians who went to bed before the sun.
I moved this summer when all the crap with my job happened. I was told(reminded) that I didn't have to move but I'm an odd cookie. When I feel pressure, I have to make a grab for control. Since I didn't have it with my job, I changed my home. I wanted to find somewhere less expensive that was still at the beach(while not oceanside) and close to work. So within a week I found a new place on the opposite end of the beach.
It's been a little under a year and I'm finally comfortable but man, it fucking took forever. I missed my place so badly. It was far more modern than what is now my shabby chic(in the true sense) beach bungalow.
My place is an additional wing built onto an original bungalow home. Not quite a real duplex but-- a Floridian duplex. Myself and the other guy, Scott each have a wing of this old house and there was a shared kitchen. It was shared until I've opted to turn my deck into a Florida room by screening it in and adding blinds. I then created a water source and put my kitchenette there. The guy who owns the place didn't mind. He's a stickler so I had my dad walk me through my mini-build and had the owner double check my work. My deck/Florida Room mod is recent and I think that's what finally made the place feel like my own. That and now winter is finally done and I can finally see what the beach is like on this end. Like all the old turn-of-the-century beach houses in the area, mine is about 4 blocks back from the ocean and one block away from all the restaurants, bars and stuff on this end. Still close enough to walk and cycle everywhere. It's not a bad part of town, but I have to say, I miss my old people. The house next door is an unofficial, student house(there's an attic. I like to imagine there's a Martin Crieff in there). They're usually all in there studying but you can definitely tell when they're on break.
I actually do not remember the point of this post. :/
I had a moment earlier in the week where I really missed my condo. Like.. I ached. It was odd. I usually only ache for New Orleans. I guess it comes with feeling older. I did everything in that condo. I did major work on myself, recovery-wise-- hella intense therapy. Loads of crying and fixing shit. I finished college. I fell in love. I made amazing friends. It just feels like a really big part of my adult life happened there and now I finally can say that I understand that feeling of building a home. Yes, it is possible to build one, filled the the brim with memories even though technically, you were the only one who lived there and you rarely let anyone into the house.
I don't even know who I am now. I'm 26 and I'm over [what as of now] was the hardest part of my life. I've not had a true moment's peace like this since I was 16.
Recovery is everyday but I'm really sitting here like "What the fuck am I supposed to do with all this free time that is not spend fighting for my life" "What do //ordinary// people, who don't have to fight with every fucking breath, even do? Get frozen yogurt?"
I don't know.
(no subject)
28 March 2015 21:21 So a big thing for me this year is to stop drinking to grease my socialization wheels.
I don't have a drinking problem. What I have a problem with, is people who like me better when I'm drinking.
...or is my problem is that I think people like me better when i'm drinking.
OR is it that I don't want to have that fraud or nah conversation after hanging out with people.
I think it's that. I want to feel like myself.
If it were close friends, well trusted friends, I wouldn't be overthinking it.
but everyone is a friend of a friend, here. I don't trust anyone.
What was I saying?.
Yeah, today I went to lunch with friends. These are the 65 and 59 year old sisters and their friend, who's in her late thirties. I adore them and they're so fun. They'll drink you under the table while still being able to recite their school songs and joking about their inevitable deaths. They're too much. I told my therapist a few weeks ago that, I did have friends. They're just older. When talking about it more, it made sense. My friends would ideally not have kids or be obsessed with their recent marriages. At the very least, they would be able to come and go as they pleased. They would be mature enough to avoid playing irritating head games and smart enough to let a good time end, taking their asses home at the end of the night. Turns out, to get those things in a person, they're probably going to be over the age of around or over the age of 40. Therapist seemed to get where I was coming from.
I was just reminded of that today. I would love to make more friends, but sometimes it feels as if I've missed the window for friends. I chose to take university time to study independently while working, completing my degree in my own time. That coupled with my solitary tendencies and impatience for fuckshit sort of cancelled any friend-making.
I think at this point, it's really not a concern of mine-- getting people to like me. It feels good. I never cared much but still I can feel that last small bit of concern fading into the wind.
I don't have a drinking problem. What I have a problem with, is people who like me better when I'm drinking.
...or is my problem is that I think people like me better when i'm drinking.
OR is it that I don't want to have that fraud or nah conversation after hanging out with people.
I think it's that. I want to feel like myself.
If it were close friends, well trusted friends, I wouldn't be overthinking it.
but everyone is a friend of a friend, here. I don't trust anyone.
What was I saying?.
Yeah, today I went to lunch with friends. These are the 65 and 59 year old sisters and their friend, who's in her late thirties. I adore them and they're so fun. They'll drink you under the table while still being able to recite their school songs and joking about their inevitable deaths. They're too much. I told my therapist a few weeks ago that, I did have friends. They're just older. When talking about it more, it made sense. My friends would ideally not have kids or be obsessed with their recent marriages. At the very least, they would be able to come and go as they pleased. They would be mature enough to avoid playing irritating head games and smart enough to let a good time end, taking their asses home at the end of the night. Turns out, to get those things in a person, they're probably going to be over the age of around or over the age of 40. Therapist seemed to get where I was coming from.
I was just reminded of that today. I would love to make more friends, but sometimes it feels as if I've missed the window for friends. I chose to take university time to study independently while working, completing my degree in my own time. That coupled with my solitary tendencies and impatience for fuckshit sort of cancelled any friend-making.
I think at this point, it's really not a concern of mine-- getting people to like me. It feels good. I never cared much but still I can feel that last small bit of concern fading into the wind.
(no subject)
21 March 2015 02:01Doctor Who 100 word challenge.
I still like screenplay format because i'm a cheat.
inspiration word: shrug
I still like screenplay format because i'm a cheat.
inspiration word: shrug
Interior: TARDIS
THE DOCTOR sits on the floor, cross-legged beside the console.
CLARA enters the TARDIS searching for the Doctor
Clara: Doctor? Doctor?
Doctor: [curmudgeonly] Clara. Clara.
Clara: [still approaching the console] you’re quiet
Doctor: so?
Clara: [quickly] too quiet
Doctor: no such thing.
CLARA joins THE DOCTOR on the floor beside him. She pats his leg, recoils--furrows her brow.
Clara: Let’s play a game
The Doctor: no
Clara: I'll be quick, don’t be difficult
Doctor: [shrugs] fine
Clara: quite right. I will ask a question. You will answer.
Doctor: [rolls his eyes, mimicking Clara]
CLARA turns, faces him
Clara: who’s River Song?
(no subject)
19 March 2015 22:44- Went into work for about three hours today just to tidy up. Everything was so quiet.
- I went to the St. Pauls fair for a moment to get a funnel cake had a giant scoop of ice cream on top. I folded it and took a giant bite. After tasting the incomparable glory, I threw it away and headed home. As amazing as it was, I made the right choice. No good could come from eating that.
- I saw Jupiter Ascending once more before it leaves theatres. I like it. I do. It feels like something I would love to read. Maybe I track down the script.
- For a bit, I was angry today. Not batshit. I'm just frustrated with the state of things that are out of my control.
- "I'm not in charge of that," she thinks while watching children run amok in traffic, "let it go."
- My phone died today. A new one will be here on or before Wednesday. No overnight delivery option :(
- Breakfast date with a friend tomorrow. Then more beach!
- If it rains I'm watching more Doctor Who because this rewatch has been fantastic.
- I read this amazing Harry Potter gen fic about Molly Weasley. It was beautiful and the author really showed their understanding of her character as a parent and a citizen of the wizarding world.
- I can hear the koi pond outside along with the crickets and the whirring of my ceiling fan. It's enough to put you to sleep.
Spring Break!
So far:
I've been travelling around town. The new bus schedules and numbers are not too different so it's working out. Cabs are still fine. I wish I was lucky enough to get a steady driver, though. I don't think that's ever gonna happen. The new Black car service is nice. They get the door and ask me which radio station I'd prefer. The agoraphobia has been minimized pretty well. It goes in waves, all affected by things that I can't control. I find that making plans and refusing to be late helps. Also taxis and not buses, that helps a lot. My odds of getting lost decrease in a way my brain comprehends.
Monday was my rewatch of Doctor Who (New Who 2005-)
As I was barreling through season one, I hit an episode that I didn't remember. Turned out I'd never seen it in its entirety. You guys, my whole face and brain and heart's reaction when I realized I had a NEW EPISODE of the SHOW THAT HELPED SAVE MY LIFE! Ahh, It's too good not to share. What made it completely aces was that it was an Eccleston/ 9th Doctor episode. Completely amazing. The Episode was called New Earth. I remembered seeing the first part because I recognized the Face of Boe and the Cat Nurses but the rest including the plot was completely new to me
..and it was everything that Doctor Who should be: righteous, compassionate, and beautiful. It did that thing it used to do a lot in the beginning. It stressed the importance of everyone as individuals. I hadn't heard that message expressed in the show for so long that it really made me happy. I'm loving Capaldi/twelve but I miss that a bit. . You don't have to be the impossiblegirlwhowaitedthatwalkedtheearthwhoforgotspecialsnowflake or whatever to do so. Everyone matters
I finally figured out how to manage my tumblr(small victory #3) I've figured out how to exist there without doing a murder. Fandom stuff is over on Bunniarty and Cloama will be art and flowers because I can't trust the site with my personal stuff especially with my job now. No one is coming down on me but there's a state-wide crackdown coming and I'm preparing myself and my team for whatever lies ahead.
I'm gonna be honest here and say that my pinterest has been kind of fun and helpful lately. I feel like that its curative nature helps with the tumblr compulsion. Things I never thought I would have to deal with as a grown ass woman...hmm.
I hope everyone is well. I hope you sleep and play and find something.
I do not kid myself. I know I'll probably hear something or have an episode in the next month or so, but damnit if I'm not going to enjoy myself in the meantime.
ETA: my glasses arrived! I can see. I can see!
So far:
- netflix binge
- beach day
- matinee movies(with ALL the snacks)
- hella shopping- I found dark wash skinny jeans and a well made white v-neck tee (small victory #1)
I've been travelling around town. The new bus schedules and numbers are not too different so it's working out. Cabs are still fine. I wish I was lucky enough to get a steady driver, though. I don't think that's ever gonna happen. The new Black car service is nice. They get the door and ask me which radio station I'd prefer. The agoraphobia has been minimized pretty well. It goes in waves, all affected by things that I can't control. I find that making plans and refusing to be late helps. Also taxis and not buses, that helps a lot. My odds of getting lost decrease in a way my brain comprehends.
Monday was my rewatch of Doctor Who (New Who 2005-)
As I was barreling through season one, I hit an episode that I didn't remember. Turned out I'd never seen it in its entirety. You guys, my whole face and brain and heart's reaction when I realized I had a NEW EPISODE of the SHOW THAT HELPED SAVE MY LIFE! Ahh, It's too good not to share. What made it completely aces was that it was an Eccleston/ 9th Doctor episode. Completely amazing. The Episode was called New Earth. I remembered seeing the first part because I recognized the Face of Boe and the Cat Nurses but the rest including the plot was completely new to me
..and it was everything that Doctor Who should be: righteous, compassionate, and beautiful. It did that thing it used to do a lot in the beginning. It stressed the importance of everyone as individuals. I hadn't heard that message expressed in the show for so long that it really made me happy. I'm loving Capaldi/twelve but I miss that a bit. . You don't have to be the impossiblegirlwhowaitedthatwalkedtheearthwhoforgotspecialsnowflake or whatever to do so. Everyone matters
I finally figured out how to manage my tumblr(small victory #3) I've figured out how to exist there without doing a murder. Fandom stuff is over on Bunniarty and Cloama will be art and flowers because I can't trust the site with my personal stuff especially with my job now. No one is coming down on me but there's a state-wide crackdown coming and I'm preparing myself and my team for whatever lies ahead.
I'm gonna be honest here and say that my pinterest has been kind of fun and helpful lately. I feel like that its curative nature helps with the tumblr compulsion. Things I never thought I would have to deal with as a grown ass woman...hmm.
I hope everyone is well. I hope you sleep and play and find something.
I do not kid myself. I know I'll probably hear something or have an episode in the next month or so, but damnit if I'm not going to enjoy myself in the meantime.
ETA: my glasses arrived! I can see. I can see!
Spring Break
16 March 2015 09:56 It has been ordered suggested that I take the week off for spring break. I'm on-call in case of emergencies but all administrative hurdles were jumped last week. My first instinct was to get a flight to nyc to visit Jasmin. Then I realized that I'm nuts and also I'm on-call.
I'm excited. It's a bit chilly again- about 65 degrees- so I have to decide what I want to do this week. I know that I want to spend it wandering around alone. I need to get used to moving about this big ass city all by my lonesome. I'd like to get the the Science and History museum BUT it's running a camp this break and will be filled with children. I love children but I'd rather not see them on my vacation. Same goes or the Planetarium. Damn youths.
My glasses are being delivered soon, so at least I'll be able to see!
I'm excited. It's a bit chilly again- about 65 degrees- so I have to decide what I want to do this week. I know that I want to spend it wandering around alone. I need to get used to moving about this big ass city all by my lonesome. I'd like to get the the Science and History museum BUT it's running a camp this break and will be filled with children. I love children but I'd rather not see them on my vacation. Same goes or the Planetarium. Damn youths.
- Today, Monday is a lay around day. Definitely. I'm not doing shit. I'm getting chinese food for lunch and I'm gonna Netflix binge A Different World. Maybe finally get the guts to watch the Parks and Rec finale.
- Tuesday, I would really like to do a double feature of Jupiter Ascending and Kingsman which are both still in theatres *brain explodes*
- Wednesday hopefully will be a beach day. I need it to warm up just a little bit more. Then I'll load up the podcasts and snacks and go lay out for a bit
- Thursday.. Find a book I really want to read and just dive in.
- Friday, I'd like to be downtown for the day. I'm gonna suck it up and go to the Cummer museum(you read that right). Hopefully it won't be too crowded. The Arts Market is right next door so I could also go there. Also, I need to track down the grilled cheese food truck.
My glasses are being delivered soon, so at least I'll be able to see!
I was offered an opportunity to move to Williamsburg, New Jersey with close friends.
I was really shocked and interested.
The move would
Then afraid.
Then stupidly brave.
Then I had an all out freakout.
I called Jasmin and she helped a lot.
I mostly rambled on about how before the opportunity rose, I had made a personal resolution to make the most of my life here in Florida. I promised myself that I'd travel, get around to shows, enjoy the beach and my neighborhood. I had been doing that too. I'm very happy. Winter's finally over and I'm so excited to get back outdoors that it's actually a surprise to myself. I love my job. It's ever-changing and I do spend the majority of my time arguing with lawmakers but I am in a very good(hard-won) place. I love it. I have very few friends but that would happen no matter where I lived.
I know that in my life I've only ever had
one job, one phone number,and lived in two apartments. That doesn't discount the goals achieved. I realized that I am actually very happy here because I laid the foundation early on. I found a way to enjoy my life here and it doesn't feel like settling. So even though it is so tempting to live close to friends, family and Broadway, I'm saying "thanks but no thanks."
I was really shocked and interested.
The move would
- put me closer to my family
- and Jasmin.. and NYC in general
- give me an opportunity to find different work within my field
- probably commute to the city for work
- a change of environment and pace altogether
Then afraid.
Then stupidly brave.
Then I had an all out freakout.
I called Jasmin and she helped a lot.
I mostly rambled on about how before the opportunity rose, I had made a personal resolution to make the most of my life here in Florida. I promised myself that I'd travel, get around to shows, enjoy the beach and my neighborhood. I had been doing that too. I'm very happy. Winter's finally over and I'm so excited to get back outdoors that it's actually a surprise to myself. I love my job. It's ever-changing and I do spend the majority of my time arguing with lawmakers but I am in a very good(hard-won) place. I love it. I have very few friends but that would happen no matter where I lived.
I know that in my life I've only ever had
one job, one phone number,and lived in two apartments. That doesn't discount the goals achieved. I realized that I am actually very happy here because I laid the foundation early on. I found a way to enjoy my life here and it doesn't feel like settling. So even though it is so tempting to live close to friends, family and Broadway, I'm saying "thanks but no thanks."
Knowing that about 50% of my job wouldn't be necessary if there was a fixed living wage drives me nuts sometimes.
You could not have told me that my life's work would be fighting with Florida lawmakers about doing their damn job.
How can someone be on the committee for early childhood education and force its main three advocacy groups to do their dirty work.
The answer: quite easily, actually.
You could not have told me that my life's work would be fighting with Florida lawmakers about doing their damn job.
How can someone be on the committee for early childhood education and force its main three advocacy groups to do their dirty work.
The answer: quite easily, actually.
(no subject)
12 March 2015 22:04 guys.. guys...
I forgot to plant the fucking kale.
My students are going to kill me.
I'm going to be murdered by a mass of five year olds.
Spring Break starts tomorrow. It's too late. I can't believe I forgot.
I forgot to plant the fucking kale.
My students are going to kill me.
I'm going to be murdered by a mass of five year olds.
Spring Break starts tomorrow. It's too late. I can't believe I forgot.
I like to imagine myself switching shoes like Mr. Rogers when moving between social media sites. "Here are my tumblr shoes and cardigan and these babies right here are rarely worn twitter shoes and cardigan."
Apparently, I joined Dreamwidth 2 years ago, did some stuff and completely forgot.
Then I remembered how I posted some secret podfic and come here and then wiped the page because I'm the 'fraidiest cat there ever was. So that's that. Now what am I to do? I'm pretty sure I'm gonna try to make some things and put them here. Maybe link my soundcloud. Can I get more vague? More(but probably less) at 11.
I tried creating a separate tumblr but I don't know, man. I'm incapable of creating any boundaries when it comes to that blog. cloama.tumblr started as part of my therapy several years ago(super dark time) and while I won't say I've outgrown it, I do recognize that it serves purpose much different from its original now and that is fine. It really is. Finding my way back to any kind of organized fandom post-flame-wars and cyberbullying was definitely unexpected.
I'm in a good place right now. Like "Oh there's more work! Holy crap, there's more work but also other things and still, I feel alright." So that's a thing that's happening to me.
Even as I'm typing this, it feels quiet. You know what I mean?
Apparently, I joined Dreamwidth 2 years ago, did some stuff and completely forgot.
Then I remembered how I posted some secret podfic and come here and then wiped the page because I'm the 'fraidiest cat there ever was. So that's that. Now what am I to do? I'm pretty sure I'm gonna try to make some things and put them here. Maybe link my soundcloud. Can I get more vague? More(but probably less) at 11.
I tried creating a separate tumblr but I don't know, man. I'm incapable of creating any boundaries when it comes to that blog. cloama.tumblr started as part of my therapy several years ago(super dark time) and while I won't say I've outgrown it, I do recognize that it serves purpose much different from its original now and that is fine. It really is. Finding my way back to any kind of organized fandom post-flame-wars and cyberbullying was definitely unexpected.
I'm in a good place right now. Like "Oh there's more work! Holy crap, there's more work but also other things and still, I feel alright." So that's a thing that's happening to me.
Even as I'm typing this, it feels quiet. You know what I mean?